Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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