U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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