Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
