Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
