you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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