I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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