The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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