I haven't been this sober since birth.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
