Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
