Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
