We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
