Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
