I hate your face
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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