i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
