I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
