**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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