my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
