I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
