Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
