I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
