I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
