Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
