Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
