I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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