My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
