Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
