i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
