i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
