Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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