and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
