proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
