i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
