forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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