I am in a vortex of obligation.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
