At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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