i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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