Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
