Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
