the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
