i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
