I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
