Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
