True but thats because hes a fetus.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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