I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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