Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
