if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
