my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
