so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
