I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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