Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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