If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
